Hurling Bombshells
OK, yes, this is from the San Francisco Chronicle. Clearly their readership is of the “leaning so far left, I’ve lost function in the right hemisphere of the brain.” I know, I should just pop my eyeballs back into the sockets and move one, but, I can’t. The following article comes from Jamie O’Neill, entitled: A Glossery of Republican Doublespeak:
The Republican universe is a bit topsy-turvy, rather like the one created by Lewis Carroll in “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.” In that story, the Queen of Hearts did not restrict herself to the generally accepted meaning of words. When she used a word, she said, it meant exactly what she wanted it to mean, no more and no less. It was good to be queen.
And, until recently, it was good to be Republican. They held the White House, and their top guys had most of the money and consequently got most of the tax breaks. Yet they still felt aggrieved and put upon, stalked by demon Democrats who didn’t understand their fundamental goodness or the language they were speaking.
People who don’t dwell in the land of Republicans might become confused upon hearing the alternative English they speak. Republican is a tough language, but with application and study, you, too, can learn it:
Activist judges:Judges whose rulings are at odds with the perceived wisdom of Republicans, as explained to them by Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh.
Bankers: Stewards of the capitalist system who always know what’s best for the economy, who deserve low taxes and big year-end bonuses no matter how poorly their institutions have performed.
Class warfare: Assaults on rich people in the form of the usual whining of poor people.
Clinton, Wm. Jefferson: Democrat president whose sexual dalliance sent the nation into a tailspin from which even George W. Bush could not save it.
Compassionate conservatism: Ignoring the poor, except for an occasional contribution to the collection plate at church. Also see “conservatism.”
Democrats: Devil-worshiping scum, foes of free enterprise, champions of the shiftless and the lazy, enemies of hardworking Americans everywhere.
Energy policy: Drill, baby, drill.
Fairness Doctrine:A government regulation once imposed on broadcasters under the mistaken notion that the public airways were owned by the public. Wisely rescinded by Ronald Reagan, paving the way for the careers of Rush Limbaugh, et al.
Fox News: A place where failed newsmen go to live out their golden years (e.g., Britt Hume, Geraldo Rivera), with paychecks provided by an Australian capitalist intent on explaining America to itself.
Gore, Al: Democrat presidential candidate and sore loser who concocted the myth of global warming just to steal joy from the Republicans who beat him.
Greed: The emotion that drives food-stamp recipients.
Justice Department: Agency created to legitimize illegal acts of Republican presidents.
Liberal: Any of a species of lily-livered, weak and effeminate men, or pushy and overly masculine women who have either renounced men altogether, or turned them into “girly-men.”
Limbaugh, Rush: A male Mother Teresa for the oppressed captains of business and industry.
New York Times: Propaganda organ, once affiliated with Pravda, now a subsidiary of Al-Jazeera.
No!: All-purpose reply to any idea that doesn’t include tax cuts for the wealthy.
Obama, Barack: Inept, inexperienced and inarticulate Negro man elected to the highest office in the biggest mistake the American electorate ever made.
Patriotism: Hoping the nation’s leader fails, if he’s a Democrat. Hoping the nation’s leader succeeds, if he’s a Republican.
Pelosi, Nancy: See also “harpy,” “harridan.”
Poor: People born lacking the gene that creates a solid work ethic, but with an excess number of genes that prompt whining.
Profit: The most sacred goal of human existence. Anything that interferes with its pursuit or acquisition is an affront to God.
Republicans: 1) The only real Americans; 2) Those who uphold traditional American values, such as marital fidelity, and disdain un-American practices such as homosexuality. Republicans uphold these values in public, though they sometimes are found to betray those values in private. They’re only human, after all. (see also Vitter, David, or Craig, Larry).
Saint: (n.) See Reagan, Ronald.
Secular humanists: See “spawn of Satan.”
Victory: A word foreign to Democrats, who always favor retreat or capitulation to the nation’s enemies, foreign or domestic.
Wall Street: The nervous system of America, linked directly to the heart and brain. In short, the essence of this great nation.
Jaime O’Neill is a Butte County writer whose work has been in the New York Times Sunday Magazine and other publications. Contact us at forum@sfchronicle.com.
This article appeared on page G – 2 of the San Francisco Chronicle
A RETORT from Mommentator:
Activist judges: Judges whose rulings create law which is not now written, and is better left to the checks and balances of the legislative branch.
Bankers: Bankers are by and large exactly as was written; Mortgage branches of the banks are those that went haywire. Thus, the reason why the bank “testing” is going well, which give the illusion of a stronger system. Without MORTGAGE reform, our system is still open to peril.
Class warfare: Pitting a large portion of the population against a smaller portion for political expediency.
Clinton, Wm. Jefferson: Democrat president whose sexual dalliance embarrassed America. Period, it has no reflection on Republicans. Just his character.
Compassionate conservatism: Conservatives are the ones who give, by and large, to charity. MUST we bring up the clear numbers of the Prez and Vice, yet again? We follow the principle of Jesus; to give a man a fish is good. To give a man the ability to fish for himself is far better.
Democrats: I personally don’t have a problem with Democrats, I just oppose their thought pattern. I oppose name calling. Though, increasingly, it seems I must recoil to another Jesus teaching: Turn the other cheek, and once struck on the opposing cheek, continue to ignore.
Energy policy: Our energy policy needs articulating. I agree. Yes, we agree with drilling on our own shores. My goodness, you’d think that while we are being massacred for supposedly “going after” Iraqi oil, we’d get some credit for wanting to use our own resources until we are able to afford to implement new green technology, which is proven. Ethanol was the thing a few years ago, now electric… we are unprepared at this point and need an interim strategy. Not a soundbite.
Fairness Doctrine: The opposite of Free Speech.
Fox News: Is it really smart to dog the most successful news station on the planet? Seriously.
Gore, Al: Democrat presidential candidate. Who lost. He believes Global Warming is an imminent threat. Some of us disagree. That certainly doesn’t mean we can’t take better care of our planet. And we should.
Greed: The emotion that drives all (wo)men with power. Term limits. Serve and return to the private sector. This is the only way to curb the natural trend.
Justice Department: I cannot even understand how such anger can live within a person who states such a thing. You might think you’d be better off leaving the country if you truly believe your Justice Department is engaging in such acts.
Liberal: People who genuinely believe the government is the best solution for fixing inherent problems within society.
Limbaugh, Rush: A Conservative talk-show host with more popularity than any writer or commentator of Liberal philosophy.
New York Times: So?
No!: All-purpose reply to any idea that promotes a bigger government which dilutes the dollar from its intended purpose.
Obama, Barack: Inexperienced (fact) President who propagates the Liberal agenda above. Like it or not, he does what he is elected to do.
Patriotism: Hoping the nation will tune in to the fact that the easy road is one our forefather’s warned us from taking. We act each day on their ideas.
Pelosi, Nancy: Propigator of liberal agenda with twisted smile.
Poor: People who need the help of the rest of the population DIRECTLY, not indirectly through government waste and beauraucracy.
Profit: The way to feed your families. Yeah, we’re promoting it.
Republicans: Those that uphold personal responsibility, less government and a Christian moral philosophy. You don’t have to agree with itand it isn’t intended to offend. It is, however, our compass.
Saint: (n.) A person who acts in accordance with the ideas of Jesus in an applicably honorable fashion. I’m certain that there are few, if any, left.
Secular humanists: A sect of people who attain their moral philosophy from the trends of day’s society rather than a philosophical teaching.
Victory: A win.
Wall Street: The nervous system of America, linked directly to the heart and brain. In short, the essence of this great nation. (Uh, not the essence, but certainly purveyors of our Country’s wealth. Not sure why that isn’t something to be respected.)
I hope it is noted that I haven’t made one perrsonal insult to make my point. Perhaps it is just noted by the wrong people, as I’m speaking to the choir.
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